Assassination: The American Dream

Assassination is the American Dream. It is the goal for which we lie, cheat, manipulate and, essentially, live. OK, so maybe the whole death thing isn't our idea of a good time, but we all die anyway, and who doesn't want to go out with a bang? Do you want to die in your rocking chair, smothered by cats? Surrounded by cranky nursing home workers whose coffee breaks you just interrupted? I thought not. You want to be diving behind pillars James Bond-style, dodging bullets from Russian spies, while being ogled by members of the opposite sex and not even creasing your pants. And it's one thing to be killed, but it takes someone really important to get assassinated. Presidents get assassinated. Popes get assassinated. Joe Schmoe gets run over by a garbage truck or knifed by some panicked 14-year-old holding up the 7/11. And he only makes the local news. Within our industrial capitalist society, our values are built around independence, hard work, and success, and tangible items indicating such achievements. And in the end, only truly successful men and women aren't killed. They're assassinated. And what's more final, not to mention tangible, than a headline in the international news stating that you've been assassinated? So, kids, when your grandparents ask you what you want to be when you grow up, simply look up to their expectant faces with your big innocent eyes and say, "Assassinated". And that look on their faces-- let's just say they couldn't be happier.